An Atheist Talks to God

I was chatting with a good friend of mine who is an honest man and a bit of a cynic when he casually mentioned that he'd been talking to God. I was taken aback, after all he isn't even a Christian as far as I know and has said things in the past that led me to believe he didn't believe in said entity.

"I thought you didn't believe in God...?" I said.

"I didn't used to," he said. "But a few weeks ago, I was fishing on a remote lake in Northern Ontario - miles way from the nearest human being - and he introduced himself..."

"Just like that?" I said.

"Just like that." he said.

"Um... what'd he say?" I asked.

"He said, 'Hi, John... it's a remarkable day isn't it?'..."

"What did you say to that?" I enquired.

"I said, 'It is indeed...' I couldn't think of anything else to say."

"What did you talk about?"

"Sorry - it's personal" he said.

The conversation turned to more down-to-earth sorts of things but this got me thinking. John has always been a rational and intelligent man - a little reticent... a man of few words. But honest always. I thought to myself, maybe there's something to this after all?

It took considerable planning and expense but three weeks later, I was in a fourteen foot fishing boat with a nine point nine motor on exactly the same lake as John had described and miles away from anywhere. I was on tenterhooks, but nothing at all happened the first day except that I caught a few nice eating walleye and released a pair of unusually big muskie. The second day, it occurred to me that perhaps He wasn't feeling quite as chatty as he'd been with John and that I should be presumptuous enough as to start the conversation instead.

"God," I said, somewhat self-consciously. "How are You doing?".

I felt obliged to emphasize the 'You' because of who He was, but ended up sounding like Joey Tribiani from 'Friends'. Pretty lame I admit, but what would you have said...?

"Makes you feel like an idiot..." said a small, still voice, casually. "talking to nobody in particular, I mean."

"Is that you, God?" I said excitedly.

"No, Son... it's one of the walleye you just caught." He said, wearily. "Harumph... of course it's me."

I was flabbergasted and gobsmacked and doubting my sanity - all at the same time. I'd been an atheist for most of my sojourn on this planet and now I was talking to a being I was sure didn't exist. I checked over my shoulder and took a cursory look around the boat but there was nobody there... and no microphones or speakers as far as I could see.

"So you do exist?" I said cautiously.

"Evidently." He said, patiently. "I have always existed and I will always exist in perpetuity."

"That infinite in perpetuity thing has always fascinated me," I said "Is there really infinity out there?"

"Yes. At least as far as you can imagine..." He sounded bored. "I just know you're dying to ask me a whole bunch of intelligent questions..."

"Well, yes... yes, I am..." I said. And then paused because I couldn't think of any.

"If you created the world... who created you...?" He prompted.

"Ah, yes. Well, who did?"

"It's that infinity catch-all again..." He said. "Nobody or nothing did. I've always been here. There is no beginning and no end."

"But you did create the heavens and the earth?"

"Yes. Although you can't blame me for that. Even I have my off moments..."

"Hmmn... and after that you created man in Your own image?"

"Not at all. Think about it - I am everything that exists - I don't have an image."

"But it says so in the Holy Bible." I insisted.

"I didn't write that collection of fables and half-truths. As far as I'm concerned, it's a compendium of fairy stories..."

"You didn't create the earth in seven days then?"

"Nope. Actually it was a few minutes work - a mere afterthought after I created the universe. And it's only one of the many populated worlds that I made."

"So, we're not alone?"

"Alone...? You exist only in my imagination... but I must admit I have imagined other civilizations. So in that respect you are not alone."

"Here's a good question..." I said. "What about Heaven and Hell - do they exist?"

"Myths... both of them. Invented by the purveyors of judgment based religion. Make a man feel guilty and he'll do just about anything - Jewish mothers nailed that tactic down thousands of years ago..."

"But the fundamentalists claim they are already forgiven and they'll all go to heaven..."

"Forgiven?" He said, "Ask yourself by who? Not by Me certainly... and I already told you there is no judgment and no Heaven or Hell so what's the point of being forgiven?"

"So what happens when we die?"

"You cease to exist. Period. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and all that... think of it as the ultimate recycling or compost."

"Did Jesus even exist?"

"He did indeed."

"Is he your son?"

"Don't be silly. I have no relatives. He's part of me in the sense that all mankind is part of me and the product of my imagination, but we're not otherwise related..."

"So the virgin birth...?"

"Ridiculous."

I pondered all this for a while. It took a few very long moments to sink in.

"Then, apart from the fact that You do exist," I mused. "I was right about just about everything?"

"Yes. Most professed atheists tend to think clearly because they try to rationalize everything. They are wrong, but honestly so. I'd much rather chat with a thousand atheists than one religious nut."

"But what about all those religious people worshipping you and all those prayers?"

"Nobody asked me if I wanted to be worshipped. Frankly it doesn't do a thing for me... and all of those prayers? Wasted. They fall on deaf ears, or rather, since I don't have what you might call ears, they fall into the howling ether..."

"But you did give Moses the Ten Commandments?"

"Eleven to be exact. He only bought two small tablets and his handwriting was so big he could only get the first ten on them."

"What was the other one?"

"The other commandment? Thou shalt not."

"Thou shalt not... what?"

"I'll give you an example. When you're thinking about doing something and you hear that small voice in your head telling you it might be illegal, immoral, or fattening - just don't do it. It's like the infinity thing... it's a catch-all. It sums up all of the others in one pithy phrase."

"It is pretty pithy..." I said, hiding a grin.

"Don't forget I can read your thoughts, Son," He said calmly.

"Sorry. I love a good pun."

"I know you do... which is why you haven't been reduced to a small pile of smoking ashes yet."

"Incidentally," I said. "Why would you talk to me and John and not all of those religious people who do believe in you?"

"Practicality. Every time I talk to a religious person they tell everybody and make a big fuss... look at Joan of Orleans. She takes it as a sign, puts on a suit of armor, gets on a horse and attacks the British, and then ends up on a barbecue... Atheists, on the other hand, are usually too embarrassed to admit to everyone that they were wrong and so they say nothing."

"I was meaning to ask - did you talk to George Bush like he claims?"

"Never met the guy. Not that I'm concerned about it. There's a heck of a lot of people out there taking my name in vain and if I zapped all of them, there wouldn't be many preachers, TV evangelists, or right-wing politicians left..."

"So you're not a vengeful God like the one in the Old Testament? You're more of a New Testament kind of God?

"Actually, I'm neither. Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damnation..." He chuckled. "Good movie, that.... Humanity makes the mistake of ascribing rather too much importance to itself. I'm not interested enough in their little political shenanigans and religious differences to even think about them most of the time."

"Then why would you talk to me?" I said, curiously.

"Why indeed...?" He said.

I think I heard him laughing... and that was that. I haven't heard from Him since - perhaps he found my conversation lacking and went on to find another rather more intelligent atheist to chat with. Or maybe he's off exercising his imagination on another habitable world. Or maybe I just imagined the whole thing because of all of that beer I drank waiting for him to arrive?

God only knows. That is... if he really does exist.